I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
