I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Never underestimate the power of titties
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
