At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We left the knife in your bed.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
