I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
sex in a hospital.. check
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
