I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
