I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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