I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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