I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
