no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
