I'm laying in your front yard are you home
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
