you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
