seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize