there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
