Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
