It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
