My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
