What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
