Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
did i just pee glitter
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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