Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
