thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
