We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
