Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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