...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
