I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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