insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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