bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
