When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
