K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
