just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
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