you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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