Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
