If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
lets start a swedish sibling band together
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
