Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
