she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
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