How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
