My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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