i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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