You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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