She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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