im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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