i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
