Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
