dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
