when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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