From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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