it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
