Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
