i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
