I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize
