Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
